NEW! My doggy is licking and chewing her paws! What's up with that?
Dear Friends, If your doggy is licking or chewing on her paws it is a good sign that she has allergeez. Allergeez are evil things that make dogs itch and we have the sense to know that we get them from the ground so that is why we lick our paws to get them off. When our allergeez are really bad we take 1/2 of a CHILDREN'S Benadryl in the morning and that really helps. I weigh 5.5 pounds and Lolly weighs 9.5 pounds, even though she lies and says she weighs less -- I weigh negative 4 pounds, plus I'm on a diet. Sigh. For us doggies, who weigh 5.5 and 9.5 -- LOLLY QUIT INTERRUPTING -- pounds, 1/2 a CHILDREN'S Benadryl per day is our dosage. Maybe I weigh negative one hundred. Plus our friends Daisy and Jody from Tennessee wrote in and said that the Benadryl advice really helped. So ask your vet too, and think about the Benadryl. We don't like the way it tastes, but those sneaky Humans break it up into a lot of little tiny crumbs or crush it and then hide it in chikken and stuff and next thing you know, Benadryl down the hatch. Which is less? Negative three or fourteen? I probably weigh one of those. Can it canine. I will now administer the quiz:
Q. If you are a doggy and your paws itch, it is probably because: * You have allergeez * You need to paint your toenails * You've been spending too much time stomping on grapes to make grape juice Answer: All of the above
Q. Lolly weighs: * More than Lulu * Enough * Plenty Answer: All of the above
Q. If your Human is licking or chewing on HER paws (hands and feet), you should: * Put yourself up for adoption * Run for the hills * Paint your human's toenails Answer: All of the above
Chewing gum can poison your puppy! And other things to watch out for!
Or, "Why Can't We Feed Fido Chocolate?!" Another eggsellent article brought to you by Lolly And Lulu! One of the biggest tragedies in a dog's life is that chocolate can send puppies to the Dog Park in the Sky faster than you can say "Peppermint Patty." If you find Fido breaking into the Snickers, do not hesitate. Get your doggy to the vet. If it is at night (when binging is ALWAYS fun), get your doggy to the emergency after-hours clinic. Do NOT wait until morning. This also applies if you find Fido busting open the Oreos, M&Ms, or chocolate bars. Pretty much anything chocolate. Also, chocolate could make Fido's thighs fat. But our main concern here is the Big Dog Park in the Sky. Although maybe we get to eat chocolate at the big Dog Park in the Sky... I don't think so. Doggies + Chocolate = No. Also caffeine. Caffeine can jack with your puppy's heart. Which is too bad, especially if you are trying to become a world famous writer, like me, LoLLy, and would like to sit in cafes and drink espresso and write important things. Also wearing dark sunglasses and a flat hat called a beray. Lolly you're ridiculous enough without the flat hat or espresso. You're the one who wants to be a pro-wrestler! How ridiculous is THAT? Dogs wrestle! We do that! Dogs do not hang out drinking espresso! That's what I said! No caffeine, no espresso, no chocolate, no life! Lolly get over it. Meanwhile, watch out for grapes and raisins too, believe it or not. Who would have thought? Those sweet little innocent round things ... Yep but they can be bad news. Also this is important. Human chewing gum is a problem. That's because of the chemicals in the gum. Stuff that has big words for names. Also, Xylitol, which is a big word for some kind of sugar that is natural. So don't go thinking that because it's "natural" it is OK. Bottom line: keep Fido away from ALL gum. Plus, smacking is unattractive, and the Boxers especially have a slobbering problem when they chew. So let's just stay away from the gum thing altogether. Also humans. If you're going to put out stuff to send the rats to the Big Hole In The Wall In The Sky, then HIDE IT! HIDE IT GOOD! Doggies LIKE the way that stuff tastes! One time recently we got into that stuff. We had to go to the emergency room and have our stomachs pumped. Then we had to ingest charcoal, because apparently that aborbs the bad rat stuff. THEN, to top it off, we had to take Vitamin K supplements for ONE MONTH. Meanwhile the Humans were wringing their hands and banging their heads against the wall at the Doggy Emergency Room. As if that would help matters. We have covered a lot of important material. Lulu will now administer the quiz.
Q: The Big Dog Park in the Sky is: A happy place, but let's not speed things up in terms of getting there A place Fido can go if she eats chocolate In need of a good mowing
A. We're not sure about the state of lawn maintenance, but the other two answers are correct.
Q: If you are making a raisin and grape statue, you should: Not feed your puppy the extra raisins and grapes Not feed your doggy the statue Wonder why you are spending your time gluing grapes and raisins together
A. All of the above.
Q: Human chewing gum is: Something that can send your puppy to the Dog Park in the Sky Full of artificial and natural substances that are bad for Fido Sticky
A. All of the above.
Q. Things that are bad for dogs include : Chocolate Caffeine Grapes and raisins Not having credit cards Bad stuff for rats Chewing gum
A. All of the above.
Q. True or False: All those bottles in your house that say things like "detergent" and "cleaner" are also bad for your dog ___
This is a trick question because we did not discuss it in the article __
You should be smart enough to realize that these things are bad for Fido without us having to discuss it in the article ___
A. All of the above are TRUE
Q. If your doggy eats any of the things that can poison her, you should: Call your cousin in Arkansas to catch up Paint your toenails Take a nap
A: NONE OF THE ABOVE. Let's try again!
Q. If your doggy eats any of the things that can poison her, you should: Jump in your car and race to the vet or emergency room Smack yourself on the forehead for forgetting your doggy Pass out in despair at the vet or emergency room
A: NONE OF THE ABOVE. Let's try again.
Q. If your doggy eats any of the things that can poison her, you should: Jump in your car WITH your doggy Race to the vet or emergency room Make sure that Fido is treated immediately!
A: All of the above. Finally!
Q. When we went to the vet when we got into the Bad Stuff for Rats: We had our stomachs pumped We had to eat charcoal We looked like we had black beards because of the charcoal that was smeared all over our faces We were mad at the Humans
A: All of the above
Q. If you got the answers wrong on this quiz you must : Bang your head against the wall Apologize to your doggies Study this article again Have a chocolate bar, grape salad, and some chewing gum to make yourself feel better
A. All of the above, the chocolate bar, grape salad, and chewing gum optional and FOR HUMANS ONLY!!
I Can't Get My Doggy to Brush her Teeth! What Can I Do?
Article: Canine Dental! By LoLLy. And LuLu! Dear humans, Of course your doggy can't brush her teeth. She doesn't have opposable thumbs. Not that she doesn't want them. However, plak is evil and leads to gum disease, which can lead to a lot of bad things, including diseases and even sending your doggy to the big Dog Park in the Sky. So make sure doggy has plenty of chew bones to chew on! Although sometimes small doggies like me don't like to chew on chew bones. This is why Lulu's breath used to smell very bad. But now we have some outstanding products that the humans use on us, and Lulu's situation is much improved. We use (get ready, a lot of fancy words are coming): C.E.T. Oral Hygiene Rinse for Dogs and Cats: rub gently on doggy's gums ... PetzLife Oral Care Spray: spray onto doggy's teeth/gums 2 or 3 times a day ....and C.E.T. Acquadent: Put into doggy's water bowl, change every 24 hours. Not that canine dental is fun, but this stuff that our Humans puts in our mouths is more fun than going to the dentist. That guy's really out of control. Although we should point out that trips to the dentist are necessary when you get plak. Again because of the whole disease thing. I think I'm going to start a new career as a Plak Killer. I'll get a cape that says "Plak Killer" and everything. Lulu that's what the dentist is. A Plak Killer. He doesn't have a cape -- That's also what those products are that the Humans use on us. Plak Killers. Those products don't have capes either -- So what? Lulu pay attention -- I'm just saying, technically you can't fight evil without a cape. Lulu stop with the cape and aminister the quiz. OK here is the quiz:
Q. Plak is: The name of a rock bank Something you get when you win an award An evil genius trying to destroy your puppy's mouth
Answer: If you do not know the answer to this question you must call your dentist right now
Q. The best way to fight plak is: Wearing a cape. With some stuff you can put in your doggy's mouth that is listed above With trips to the dentist With chew bones
Answer: All of the above
Q. Doggy will live longer with: Good dental care A cape Her own credit cards
Answer: All of the above
Q. If you do not take care of your doggy's mouth, she will Have bad breath Go to the Dog Park in the Sky sooner Have a harder time getting a boyfriend
Answer: All of the above _____________________________________________________
How do I take care of my Maltese or any other Puppy?
How To Take Good Care of Your Puppy Or, Your Puppy is Not Bling! Another eggsellent article brought to you by Lolly And Lulu! Pleaze remember your puppy is delicate. We were only a few ounces when we were puppies. We looked like fuzzy golf balls with tails. Today we are still a couple of shrimps. I weigh 5 pounds and Lolly weighs 9. I weigh less than 9. I probably weigh 14. I think 14 is more than 9. I thought 14 was more than 20 and 20 came before 9. That doesnt even make sense. This point is, puppies are fragile. Good puppy care means being careful with your puppy! In partikular, the small humans can be 2 rough. So teach your children how to take good care of the puppy. Sometimes children yell at puppies. This is beyond not-eggsellent. Yelling will frighten the puppy and make her wish she lived somewhere else. Like on a farm with chickens. Sometimes humans think they are getting a toy when they get a puppy. Or an acksessory. We are not toys. We can wear bling, but we ourselves are not bling. We are special kreatures with our own set of needs. When you take us on, you are taking on a seerius responsibility. Good puppy care meanz knowing this. Puppies are not adults. They dont know the rules of the world. Good puppy care means you have to teach them things. And be payshent. Also, to reward the good behavior. See our last article. Rewards for good behavior include praise, treats, and credit cards. Good puppy care means spending a lot of time with your new puppy, so you bond. Also, eemediately find an eggsellent vet. Take your puppy to the vet and listen to what the vet has to say. The vet can tell you a lot of important things. Also, the vet can make your puppy feel better if she feels bad. We like our vet eggcept for the thermomitters. Puppies like to play. Good puppy care includes a lot of playtime. Tug-of-war, chase the stick Wrestling is the most eggsellent. It is good 2 have 2 puppies or doggies, becuz they play with each other. Have I mentioned I want 2 be a pro-wrestler when I grow up? You are grown up. Also, you need to let your puppy win a lotta of times when you are playing with her. Otherwise she will get discouraged. For healthy learning and growing, she needs to build confidence. Lulu will now admenistir the quiz.
Q: Puppies are: Bling Toys Special living creatures
A. Special living creatures. If you got this wrong, you cannot get a puppy.
Q: It is good if children: Know to be careful with the puppy Talk to the puppy in a non-yelling voice Give the puppy credit cards
A. All of the above.
Q: Puppies need: Payshents and praise An eggsellent vet A trombone
A. Puppies do not need a trombone.
Q. If you failed this quiz and are not ready to get a puppy, you can instead get: A pink telephone A new pair of sneakers A trombone
How do I pick a name for my Maltese or any other Puppy?
Picking the Right Puppy Name Or: Enough with Fluffy!
Another eggsellent article by Lolly and Lulu!
Dear Humans, It is important to choose a good name. That is because your puppy will be stuck with this name the rest of her life. For egg-sample, if you name your puppy Bone, and her last name is Head, the puppies at the dog park will call her Bonehead. While bones are eggsellent for chewing, they are not eggsellent as heads. Also, Lulu and I are Maltese dogs, so we would like to make a point about Maltese puppy names. Maltese dogs are white and fluffy, so Humans often use names like Snowball, Cotton or Marshmallow. There are many dangers in these names, partikularly if you have these last names:
If your last name is Fight and you choose Snowball as the first name, your Puppy may throw herself at children in winter.
If your last name is Wood and you pick Cotton for his first name, your dog may try to plant himself.
Or, if your last name is Treat and you pick Marshmellow for his first name, your doggy may think mother is a Rice Krispies Cereal Box.
If you insist on choosing names like Snowball or Fluffy, please consider some pro-wrestling options:
Fluffy the Hammer
Snowball the Enforcer
Fuzzy the Fearless Or,
Cotton the Wonder: Five Tons of Fuzzy Fearlessness!
How much is a ton? A ton equals two pounds. So five times two pounds is six pounds. Six? I think five times two is three. Or maybe negative twelve. If your last name is Genius, do not name your puppy Math. Then her name will be Math Genius. And that is not our strong suit.
How can I house train my Maltese or any other puppy?
Article: House Training a Puppy! By Lolly! PLUS LULU! Dear Humans, Thank you for reading our eggsellent article on house training a puppy. This will be the best article on the topic you ever read. Especially if it is the only article on the topic you ever read. The secret is praise and positive reinforcement. This is because puppies are smart and if you tell us what is good, we get it. So when your puppy goes where she is supposed to, praise her! Reward her! Give her treats! Or your credit cards. Also, you are allowed to say no in a firm way. But you are not allowed to get all screamy and stuff. When you get all screamy and stuff we think we shouldnt go to the bathroom in front of you. So puppies will find a place to go where you're not around. Which could include a korner of your new Oriental rug. Meanwhile, the shoving nose thing is so useless it is not worth discussing. Also, the first thing you should do when you bring home your puppy is let her hang out in the back yard or wherever the designated bathroom spot is going to be. When she goes to the bathroom and she will eventually, praise her! And give her your credit cards. Another point. Puppies have tiny bladders and havent learned to control them yet. So be patient. In the case of Maltese puppies, our bladders are smaller than thimbles. (Thimbles are things humans wear when they are sewing. Sewing is one of many dangerous human activities. Others include giving dogs a bath, tap dancing, and making French toast.) I set the house on fire once trying to make waffles. When you are house training puppies, please take us out a lot. Also, we will have to go immediately after eating and drinking, when we've just woken up, and when we have been playing. Also, if your puppy is making circles or sniffing at a spot with 2 much interest -- GRAB HER AND RACE OUTSIDE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! Do not brush your hair! Do not brush your teeth! Do not brush your puppy! Get outside immediately! In other words, right away. Now please remember we are dogs. This means we need walks to get everything out of our systems. Plus most humans need the egg-sersize too. As you housetrain your puppy, take her on walks at least once in the morning and once in the evening. That is six times a day. Six? I think one plus one is twelve. Maybe sixteen? Math is not our strong suit. However, housetraining puppies is. Lulu will now admenister the quiz. Everybody get your pencils. QUIZ Q. You should reward your puppy for good behavior with: Treats Praise Credit cards A. All of the above
Q. If your puppy is sniffing or turning in circles, you should: Call the fire department Take a shower Grab the puppy and run outside A. If you dont know the answer, read the article again.
My Maltese puppy has discoloration around her eyes...Help!
Maltese Eye Stain Or: Who Needs Mascara?
Brought to you by Lolly and Lulu!
Dear Humans,
It is true, most Maltese dogs have eye stain. Humans have many different theeries about this fact. Some people think it is due to allergies. Lulu and I have Maltese eye stain. Lulu has it worse than me. Also I cannot do math. There are many ideas about what to do regarding Maltese eye stain. Here is what we say: Talk to your vet. To make sure it is not something other than the typical Maltese eye stain and that it is not something to be more concerned about.
Also, if your vet is eggsellent, she can tell you safe solutions. Lulu will now administer the quiz.
Quiz:
Q. Maltese eye stain is: A small pecan pie A brand of garden hose A fact of life
A: A fact of life. If you got this wrong, you cannot get a Maltese dog.
Q. Talk to your vet in order to: See if your vet has bad breath Make sure your vet knows how to talk Make sure your doggies eye stain is nothing out of the ordinary
A: To make sure your doggies eye stain is nothing out of the ordinary. If you got this wrong, you cannot get a Maltese dog.
Q. Humans wear mascara because: They wish they had Maltese eye stain They are confused Because the human kondition is a difficult one
Dear Friends, If your doggy is licking or chewing on her paws it is a good sign that she has allergeez. Allergeez are evil things that make dogs itch and we have the sense to know that we get them from the ground so that is why we lick our paws to get them off.
When our allergeez are really bad we take 1/2 of a CHILDREN'S Benadryl in the morning and that really helps. I weigh 5.5 pounds and Lolly weighs 9.5 pounds, even though she lies and says she weighs less --
Maltese Eye Stain
Or: Who Needs Mascara?
